Welcome to the Interlude

It's Wednesday. Sigh. For me, humpday is almost over and I'm thankful for that. Why? Because tomorrow begins a new day of judging ladies who are willing to demean themselves in front of a camera for our (yours and mine) enjoyment. You know, its amazing that if you walk up to a woman in a bar and ask her to show a little nip for a 10 spot you will probably get slapped in the face. If you tell that same girl you will buy her a Jagerbomb in exchange for a photograph for the spank bank, she ends up following you around all night like a lap skank! I know, it is unbelievable to me too.


How do you like the logo? I'm testing out a few different ones. For those that don't see it, the word "whore" is not supposed to have two O's, but it didn't look quite as well when the smiley face was inside of the O. Also if you didn't see it... you're an idiot.


Anyway, the reason I bring up this hypocrisy is because there is some hesitation on the part of some to have this game exposed to the world. To that I say "How dare you". The way you should view this blog is as commentary on the decay of the social fabric of American society. For years, Women have given Men the business about not treating them as objects and treating them with respect, and in the span that it takes the camera to deliver a few flashes (to eliminate red eye), these young ladies bring everyone back decades, both men and women. You should also think of this blog as a fun way to rate women who are acting like whores. Haven't you ever watched E's "Wildest Spring Break Moments" (both 1 and 2) and been judgemental as hell about watching it? That's exactly what we do here.



This week's interlude brings a head to head war for the "Keepin It Classy" award. These two women have similar backgrounds in the Television industry, coming up through comedy shows and both being presented with the same opportunities. Yet, sometimes like twins in the womb, one entertainer has consumed most of the nutrients that could have been divided equally between the two women.

Of course you know I'm talking about Amy Poehler and Tina Fey.

Hahahahaha, I love that pic of Amy!

What a waste of time it is to watch anything she does, but that particular part from Baby Mama was pretty funny (Tina's idea I'm sure). Both women are probably best known for their stints on SNL and a few movies. Currently Tina is starring (and a creator of) the hit show 30 Rock. Amy is trying to reproduce Tina's success in a lame ass show called Parks and Recreation.

Sorry babe, never gonna happen. It amazes me that Amy is still around much on television. It seemed like once Tina left SNL that Amy's career was going to go down hill. I have a thought about that though. Tina is an extremely talented woman and she has to be dragging Amy around in a large Gucci bag or something to get her work. Producers have to be looking over Tina's shoulder and asking her why she really wants that bug eyed, limited talent, waste of air time to come along for the ride on her coat tails. Don't get me wrong, I think Amy has some good qualities but why she keeps getting these major roles I have no idea.

So Tina, for being an intellectual, funny, witty, graceful, and beautiful entertainer, Whore Wars deems you the winner of this weeks "Keepin It Classy" award.


And as a reward to those that finished this mediocre blog, here are a few lessons I learned about women while I was about being drunk this weekend.

When you're drunk, never, under any circumstances, do one of the following

1. Ask a girl if she is in her first trimester. This may seem really funny in your head, but trust me, women don't like this! Refer back to my Jagerbomb idea for something else to do instead.
2. Email a girl and tell her that her vagina needs a health notice. Not only will this raise a woman's ire, but it provides the paper trail that she can forward onto her friends, thereby raising ire all over the damn place. (Note: I was going to make an "ire-ish" joke here but gave up)
   

Whore Wars: 5/29/2009

Damn, I'm not sure where these whores come from but they're all fine. This ranking will be difficult.



Remember from the first post, the tall girl on the left is A, the foxy lady on the right with the whistle where I want my penis to be is D.

Some brief background from how the rankings worked out over email from some regular participants.

My ranking - B, A, C, D

Token - D, B, A, C
Uncle Broom Salesman - D, B, C, A

I curl 200lbs but only squat 150 - D, C, A, B

Little Chicago - D, B, A, C

Mexican Brando - D, B, tie on anything else


There were several comments made about this photo, but I think judges were just overcome with the general hotness in this picture. Its like that singer on Britain Idol who can sing her ass off, but will NEVER be ranked on whore wars. Its like God was putting her together, gave her a voicebox, a foul mouth, and just threw hair patches at various parts of her body. Jesus f*ck she could sing so well that you forgot all about the fact that the make up people spent about 2 hours trying to get her TV ready and then said "F*ck it, I'm headin to the pub". This picture is just as beguiling in the beginning. Did I use that right? F*ck it, I'm headin to the pub.

OK, I'm back.

Back to comments


"They are all equal and I couldn't argue any order over any different order" - I said this comment would not make the blog, but f*ck it, here's a shout out for you


"You must be high..." - No, I had not smoked and was doing my damndest to stare at this picture as long as I could in my cubicle without some random person walking by and catch me staring at whores on my work computer.


My Analysis of these Whores


Remember, I ranked B, A, C, D. I like B's sweaty, shiny, fake looking boobs. A and C both have super fine bodies as well. I mean these girls have tight bodies. I think A was ranked lower by everyone simply because she is tall. I don't know why guys are scared of tall women. I don't mind them, you don't have to worry about accidentally hurting them and sometimes it feels good to be the little spoon. Their faces are all fairly comparable except for C, but... that brings me to D. Why did I rank her last when everyone else had her first? Because she had too many mashed potatos and gravy the night before. Compared to the others, it looks like this girl has never missed a lunch at Cracker Barrel in her life.


Here's an idea, cut out the chicken fried chicken and sawmill gravy and you might move up a few spots. The reason she is the only girl who can't show her stomach is because she lacks the self esteem around her friends to expose her muffin tops. But thats what anchors do, they bring up the rear. So when it comes down to choosing C or D, I think the choice is obvious. Butterface over Tubby the butter tub any day.


Here, let me blow it up for you.




Do you see what I'm talking about? Is she in her second trimester? There is no way I can put this girl above the others. My ranking method comes with three measurements as follows...

1. How much fun do I think they would be? C'mon, this is whore wars after all
2. How hot are you? You can't win (haha, yeah, "win") whore wars if you aren't hot no matter how much of a slutbag you're trying to look like.
3. How hard are you trying to out whore the rest of the girls? If they're all hot, the whoriest of the whores has to win. Its darwinism at its best.

Therefore, B, A, C, D. In real life, I would never stand a chance, well maybe with the fatty, but on whore wars, I'm taggin in that order.

Welcome to Whore Wars: The Middle of the Beginning

Welcome to Whore Wars! Whore wars is a fun, judgemental, fantasy based game where you get to rank women using whatever criteria you see fit. Think HotOrNot.com meets America's Got Talent. Here's how it works:

Every week a picture of some slutty looking girls will be posted and you rank how you would like to hook up with them. I'll give you my rankings and expert analysis on why I ranked these whores the way I ranked them. When looking at the picture, you will see this weeks whores lined up from left to right, and you can think of them as being lined up like the Alphabet. You know... A, B, C, D, E. Usually it will only be 4 girls so you stop at D, but sometimes we'll come across a picture that is so filled with whores that sometimes you forget what letter you're on. When ranking, you say rank which girl by her letter. So if you think the 3rd girl is your 1st pick, and the 1st girl is your 2nd pick, you have obviously started your ranking with C, A, etc...

Don't worry, some people still haven't figured it out, but I don't pander.

OK, welcome is over, you know how to rank. Next post will be a brief review of this weeks Whore Wars.